Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
