So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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