I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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