apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
