don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
