my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
