Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
