someone get that fucking seahorse.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
