Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
God, I missed his penis.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
