I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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