I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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