Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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