i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
