does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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