I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
