He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
my poor anus
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
