He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
