I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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