I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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