If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
