I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
