just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
