We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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