just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
