the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
