so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
