I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
