So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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