My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
