Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
