Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
