Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
