Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
