You work out of a Hotel?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
