I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
