I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
