Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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