i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
