so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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