My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
