if i can run in heels then i can drive
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
