I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
