he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
