The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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