well I can't set my house on fire every night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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