I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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