I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
