dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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