im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
