My pussy is not your playground.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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