I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
