Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize