you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
