What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just threw up on my dentist
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
