My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She made me pour olive oil on her.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
