He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
