...so i touched it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Semen is not good for contacts.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
