I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
